Baby

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  Published by Yearling, an imprint of Random House Children’s Books

  a division of Random House, Inc., New York

  It was reported as “unsold and destroyed” to the publisher and neither the author nor the publisher has received any payment for this “stripped book.”

  “Dirge Without Music” by Edna St. Vincent Millay. From Collected Poems, HarperCollins. Copyright © 1928, 1955 by Edna St. Vincent Millay and Norma Millay Ellis. Reprinted by permission of Elizabeth Barnett, literary executor.

  William Carlos Williams: The Collected Poems of William Carlos Williams, 1909-1939, vol. I.

  Copyright © 1938 by New Directions Publishing Corporation. Reprinted by permission of New Directions Publishing Corp.

  “Me and My Shadow”—Words and music by Dave Dreyer, Billy Rose, and Al Jolson.

  Copyright © 1927 by Bourne Co. and Larry Spier, Inc., New York. Reprinted with permission.

  Copyright © 1993 by Patricia MacLachlan

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  eISBN: 978-0-307-56715-4

  Reprinted by arrangement with Delacorte Press

  v3.1_r1

  This book is for Jamie MacLachlan.

  Contents

  Cover

  Other Yearling Books You Will Enjoy

  Title Page

  Copyright

  Dedication

  Epigraph

  Summer’s End

  Chapter 1

  Chapter 2

  Chapter 3

  Chapter 4

  Chapter 5

  Chapter 6

  Winter

  Chapter 7

  Chapter 8

  Chapter 9

  Chapter 10

  Chapter 11

  Chapter 12

  Chapter 13

  Spring

  Chapter 14

  Chapter 15

  Chapter 16

  Summer—Ten Years Later

  Chapter 17

  I am not resigned to the shutting away of loving hearts in the hard ground.

  So it is, and so it will be, for so it has been, time out of mind:

  Into the darkness they go, the wise and the lovely. Crowned

  With lilies and with laurel they go; but I am not resigned.

  —from “Dirge Without Music”

  Edna St. Vincent Millay

  summer’s end

  The memory is this: a blue blanket in a basket that pricks her bare legs, and the world turning over as she tumbles out. A flash of trees, sky, clouds, and the hard driveway of dirt and gravel. Then she is lifted up and up and held tight. Kind faces, she remembers, but that might be the later memory of her imagination. Still, when the memory comes, sometimes many times a night and in the day, the arms that hold her are always safe.

  chapter 1

  In the evenings my father danced. All day long he was quiet and stubborn, the editor of the island newspaper. But in the evenings he danced.

  Lalo Baldelli and I sat on the porch swing, clapping our hands over our ears when the six o’clock ferry whistle blew, and inside, as always, my father began to tap-dance on the coffee table. It was a low, tiled table, blue and green Italian marble. My father loved the sound of his taps on the tiles. He danced every evening before dinner, after his six crackers (Ritz) with cheddar cheese (extra sharp), between the first glass of whiskey that made him happy and the second that made him sad. He always began slowly with “Me and My Shadow,” then “East Side, West Side,” working up to Lalo’s favorite, “I Got Rhythm.” Wherever he was, Lalo would come to our house before dinner so he wouldn’t miss my father’s wild and breathless “I Got Rhythm” that finished with a flourish, hands stretched out as if playing to a large audience. Lalo was the only one who applauded, except later, of course, when Sophie did.

  There was a rhythm to the rest of my family too. When my father began to dance my mother would come out of her studio, covered with paint if her work was not going well; and Grandma Byrd would come up from her afternoon nap, her hair untouched by sleep.

  Today my mother came out onto the porch, carrying a silver bowl that held batter for a cake that would never be baked. She carried spoons for Lalo and me, and the large wooden one for herself.

  “You’ll like this, Larkin,” she said to me, handing me a spoon.

  “What kind?” asked Lalo, peering into the bowl.

  “Spice,” said Mama.

  “That’s much better before it’s baked,” said Lalo.

  Mama smiled at him.

  “You bet,” she said, taking a huge spoonful, then handing us the bowl.

  Mama was covered with flecks and smears of paint, and I could tell by the colors what she was working on. The island. Blue for the water of the island ponds and the sky and the sea; green for the hills—light green for the meadows and fields, dark for the stands of spruce. Mama was a walking landscape. That meant trouble, more paint on Mama than on canvas. That meant she was restless. Mama saw me looking at her clothes.

  “I can’t concentrate,” she said, her voice flat and unhappy.

  The porch window behind me opened.

  “Are you eating batter?” Byrd asked.

  “Spice,” said Mama and Lalo at the same time.

  The window closed, and we heard Byrd slide open the mahogany pocket doors to her room. She appeared on the porch with her own spoon.

  Lalo offered her his seat.

  “My dear,” she murmured, and sat, holding up her hand in what Mama called her queen’s wave.

  Byrd grew up in a grand house with pillars and many porches, and could have been a queen. She was seventy years old with white hair piled on her head, and rows of neck wrinkles like necklaces.

  Byrd said often that she was pleased to have all her faculties. Once, though, after an island party and some punch, she called them facilities, and some townspeople still believed that she had many bathrooms in the house and that she loved them all. Lately she had discovered fancy stockings. Today they were black with jewels that sparkled as she moved. The jewels worked like little prisms, tossing light around, causing spots to tremble on the porch ceiling.

  “Great socks,” said Lalo, making Byrd laugh.

  “Stockings, Lalo,” she corrected him. “One day you may live off island, you know, and you’ll see things you never dreamed of. Including patterned stockings.”

  Lalo looked at Byrd, horrified, his spoon halfway to his mouth.

  “Not me,” he said. “I’ll ne
ver leave this island. Everything is here.”

  Mama smiled wistfully.

  “Almost everything,” said Byrd. She sighed. “But I do miss—” She stopped suddenly, and I looked at her, waiting for her to say what I knew she missed. What I missed.

  Mama turned to look at her, too, her eyes sharp and sad at the same time. Then Mama’s expression changed as she looked up at Papa, who stood at the doorway, his face all flushed from tap-dancing.

  “What?” asked Papa, out of breath. “What do you miss?”

  “Something,” said Byrd lightly, her tone changing. “I don’t know just what, but I miss something.”

  “I know,” said Mama. “I’m restless. Tomorrow the last summer ferry leaves. And then?”

  “We get the island back,” Papa said, “and everything will be quiet and peaceful and all ours.”

  “Excitement,” said Byrd suddenly, her face bright with memory. “We need something new and exciting to happen.”

  “Like dinner?” suggested Papa.

  “Oh!” Mama jumped up so quickly that the porch swing almost toppled Byrd. “The pot roast is done. Here.” She gave the batter bowl to Papa.

  “What was this?” he asked, sampling it.

  “That was dessert, dear heart,” said Byrd. She got up very slowly. Then, with a quick smile and a sudden shake of herself, like a wren, she went inside.

  “Such excitement,” said Papa softly. Then he looked at us. “This is enough excitement.” There was a pause. “Isn’t it?” he added, asking himself the question.

  We ate dinner as the sun set; candles on the table, the dinner a yearly celebration that tomorrow the island visitors would leave. The seasons on our island rose and fell in a rhythm like the rise and fall of the tides. Autumn was ours with quick colors, leaves flying until they were gone and we could see the shape of the island. The land rose and fell, too, from the north point where the lighthouse stood, curving down into valleys like hands holding pond water.

  Soon winter would come, the winds shaking the windows of the house, the sea black. Herring gulls would sit out of the wind on our porch, watching for spring that would come so fast and cold, we would hardly know it was there. Then summer, visitors would come off the ferry again, flooding us, the air heavy with their voices. And again, at summer’s end they would be gone like the tide, leaving behind small signs of themselves: a child’s pail with a broken handle, a tiny white sock by the water’s edge. Bits and pieces of them left like good-byes.

  Suddenly, as we ate, a gull flew low over the house, its crazy shriek startling us. We looked up, then at each other. Nervous looks and laughter. But there was nothing to be nervous about on that day.

  It was the next day, after the last ferry took the summer people away, that it happened.

  chapter 2

  Puffs of wind came off the water, sending Lalo’s hat flying down the beach. He ran after it, small sprays of sand sent up by his feet. A kite whirled and dipped, suddenly plunging into the water. There was a group sigh behind us, summer tourists on the porch of Lalo’s parents’ hotel. They stood like birds on a line, their bags all packed, faces red, noses peeling from summer sun. Summer’s end.

  “Lalo!” Mr. Baldelli called from the porch, and we ran up to carry bags to the hotel truck, hoping for tips.

  “My umbrella, don’t forget, Larkin,” called Mrs. Bloom. Mrs. Bloom came every summer, bringing her beach umbrella, her chair, and her little hairy dog whose full name was Craig Walter. I took the yellow umbrella from Mrs. Bloom. In her arms Craig bared his teeth at me.

  The Willoughbys clutched handfuls of wild-flowers, almost gone by. Their children lugged suitcases of rocks, dead horseshoe crabs, and sea urchins that would crumble before they got home.

  Lalo and I sat on the back of the truck for the short ride along the beach road to the dock. We passed people on bicycles, their baskets filled. We passed parents walking with children, babies in backpacks, dogs loping nose to the ground behind them.

  At the dock cars were already lined up waiting to leave. Griffey and his musical group were there, playing “Roll Out the Barrel,” the only song they knew. Griffey played accordion and Rollie the fiddle. Arthur played his saxophone, and old man Brick played only three notes on his bagpipe: major, minor, and “something diminished,” as Mama put it.

  Papa was there saying good-bye to summer people. I could see the stubble on his face, the beginnings of his yearly winter beard that he shaved off every June before the tourists returned. Byrd and Mama were there, too, Byrd’s legs sparkling, her hair blown like tossed snow. Mama handed a wrapped package to a woman, then smiled at Lalo and me across the dock because she had sold a painting. A child in overalls ran toward the dock’s edge, arms up, until his laughing father caught him up in his arms, swinging him over his head. A young woman holding a baby stood near, watching us. A dogfight began, then ended as owners pulled on their leashes.

  The cars, all stuffed with suitcases and sleeping bags and coolers, beach chairs tied on top, began to move onto the ferry. Then the bicycles were wheeled on.

  “Good-bye!” called Mrs. Bloom, waving one of Craig’s small paws at us.

  “Good-bye!” we shouted back.

  And the gates were closed with a metal clang, the huge lines tossed on board.

  Surprisingly, Griffey, Rollie, Arthur, and old man Brick began a new song.

  “Whatever?” exclaimed Mama behind me.

  “They’ve learned something new,” cried Lalo.

  “What is it?” I asked.

  “ ‘Amazing Grace,’ ” said Papa, grinning.

  The Island Queen moved off, and my mother began to laugh. Byrd sang in her old voice:

  Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound,

  That saved a wretch like me!

  I once was lost, but now am found;

  Was blind, but now I see.

  As the boat reached the breakwater we all put our hands to our ears as the whistle blew. Above, the sky was ice-blue, low clouds skimming across, and without the noise like one of Mama’s paintings. And then it was quiet, a handful of us left: Griffey and the boys packing up their instruments, Lalo’s father hosing down his truck at the dock’s edge, islanders walking away. A couple I didn’t know held hands. Maybe they would fly out tonight on the small plane. The woman holding the baby still watched us. A cloud slipped in front of the sun.

  Summer’s end.

  “Your mom cried,” said Lalo as we walked up from the water through the fields.

  “She always cries at the end of summer,” I said. “At the end of anything. At weddings.” I looked at Lalo. “And parades.”

  Lalo burst out laughing. The Fourth of July parade was led by Griffey’s goat and the sewer-pump truck, and still my mama cried.

  Lalo and I sat on the rock by the pond. Water bugs skimmed along the surface; a fish jumped, sending out circle after circle. Way off in the distance the ferry was a small dot, getting smaller, a thread of smoke rising from its stack.

  “So,” said Lalo. Lalo began most sentences with so. Ms. Minifred, the school librarian, was trying to break him of the habit.

  “Get to it, Lalo,” Ms. Minifred said. “You will miss your own marriage when the minister asks you if you take this woman and you begin with so. You will miss the end of your life, too, when you try to leave behind some wondrous words.”

  Ms. Minifred liked wondrous words. She loved the beginnings of books, and the ends. She loved clauses and adverbial phrases and the descriptions of sunsets and death. Lalo called her “It Was the Worst of Times Minifred.”

  “You are a full-time job, Lalo,” Ms. Minifred told Lalo once after he had asked her twelve questions in a row.

  “Thank you, Ms. Minifred,” said Lalo, missing the point.

  I wondered what she would do when Lalo went off-island to high school. Maybe she would wither away among all the books with all the words in them until no one could ever find her again unless they opened a book. Or, she might ferment in the library l
ike Mama’s back-porch cider that finally exploded.

  “So,” repeated Lalo, “tomorrow you will buy a plaid dress and the year will begin.”

  I smiled.

  My mother believed in plaid. Plaid meant beginnings. Each year I began school with a plaid dress, then slowly that beginning became the past as I wore jeans and shirts, then shorts when it was hot. In my closet hung five plaid dresses, one for each year, like memorials.

  “So,” I imitated Lalo, getting up from the rock and grabbing a clump of chickory, “tomorrow, yes, I will buy a plaid dress and your mother will buy you a new lunch box.”

  “And it will be another year like all the other years,” said Lalo happily.

  His smile made me smile, but I knew he was wrong. All the years were changed because of what I was missing and no one would talk about. And all the years would be changed even more than Lalo and I knew, for when we walked through the meadow of chickory and meadowsweet, when we climbed up and over the rise to my house, the basket was already in the driveway, a baby sitting in it, crying. My mother stood with her hands up to her face, shocked. My father’s face was dark and still and bewildered. Only Byrd looked happily satisfied, as if something wonderful, something wished for, had happened.

  And it had.

  Her excitement was here.

  Sometimes she dreamed of white hair, like silk, touching her face, and tiny white stones that tumbled. Beach stones, maybe. And crying. She could almost taste the salt of tears when she thought of it; the taste of memory. Why, then, wasn’t she frightened when she remembered this?

  chapter 3

  The baby looked from one face to the other, then suddenly stopped crying. It was quiet then, no one moving, as if we were actors who had forgotten our lines. Lalo moved in front of me, and I looked over his shoulder at Byrd smiling, my father’s dark look, my mother tense and pale. Then, we all turned to watch the baby slowly get up to climb out of the basket. Mama’s hands went out protectively, fluttering like birds; Byrd took a step, but the baby, legs twisted in a blanket, fell hard on the driveway and began to wail, a sad sound like a lost cat. In one movement Byrd leaned down and swooped the baby up in her arms, and Mama leaned down and picked up a sheet of paper. The paper fluttered in the breeze. Or was it Mama’s hand shaking? Lalo reached back and took my hand, pulling me with him as he moved closer. I knew he was protecting me, but from what? The rest was a scene in slow motion, Papa taking the paper out of my mother’s hands, reading it to us, my mother beginning to cry. There was no sound to her crying; only tears streaming down her face. I stared at Mama. I had never seen Mama cry this way. Terrible, somehow, without the sound.